Skip to content

Writing Down the Bones

"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them." -George Bernard Shaw

Picture Pastimes

11 January 2011

 It wasn’t that long ago that you were here. Now you sit there awkwardly on the shelf starring right through me. A dusted photo of happier times to be forgotten

Two years now, and your face is just a dream. I can’t  feel you anymore. Just blankness, as my heart tries to remember what it felt like to love you. Every now and then, I wake up to find that it’s all true.  With the hands of time gripped firmly around my neck holding my last breath. And in one second the whole scene flashes right through me.

The phone call… Our parents… The sadness… Your friends… The letter…Your funeral…and all the unanswered questions–The lifeline ends again.

In a solemn sigh, I feel a surge of energy race through my core, the faint joy of loving you. It’s almost as if you are reaching out to touch me. I catch my breath only to realize I don’t want to go there anymore.

No more tears, no more defeat, no more brokeness do I care to fight off.  The tears wait in the corners of my eyes, while the rock is lodged in my throat; each waiting to see if the queue of hurt shall succeed. But I surrender! The battle of remembering you is too brutal to re-live. The past packed away so deep, that I dare not unlock the memories of us.

No more storyline are we. These pictures are not worth a thousand words, as you sit there in the past, on a dusty shelf, wanting to remembered. Read more…

Advertisements

Spring’s First Breath

9 January 2011

Turning burdens

into seeds

Now burying them away

 

Pain burrows

in the Earth

to be forgotten

 

Let Nature take over

and have Her seasons

 

So, the flower blooms

after Winter storms

have passed

 

  Within Spring’s first breath

comes beauty, life and renewal

photo courtesy of Ellis Hollow

Don’t Cry for Me Argentina

5 January 2011

 

It was a year ago today that I returned from my South America Walkabout. Tonight, as I reflect on the past year, I am reminded of a moment that has helped me put myself back together.

Somewhere between grief and acceptance I desperately needed to find Alexis. I knew the only way I  was going to find her was to escape the present circumstances of death. The suicide of my little brother Nick , and later, my step-mother Vera had left me completely shattered . But it was the fear of accepting that I had to go on without them which was really crowding me. I knew acceptance was the last stage of this process.  But the more I tried to get there, the farther away it got.

I just couldn’t believe this was my life now!

 For months, my heart urged me to sit quietly, and feel the pain.   I knew that healing required solitude. And I needed to allow my painful realities to surface with dignity; and give myself the space to let go. I needed to get out of here. I needed to feel alive.  Everything here was a memory of a life that was missing, and everyday a devastating loss. I was scared to feel the pain, but more afraid of the consequence of avoiding it.

So without question, I gathered my emotional baggage and set off to Brazil, Argentina, Costa Rica and Mexico.

One day I was aimlessly wandering the streets of Buenos Aires.

After many hours of going nowhere in particular I stumbled into a  park near Bella Artes Museum. This looked like a good place to let my mind run wild and indulge on the fresh strawberries and mini-champagnes I had just picked up.  The buzz began to hypnotize and consume the peaceful, fleeting moment, until I realized I wasn’t alone.

There standing thinly over me in metallic memoriam was Eva Peron, the iconic heroine of Argentina. I gazed upon the graceful bronze statue  as she spoke the words:

I know that, like every woman of the people, I have more strength than I appear to have.”

Read more…

Do you know the silence of suicide?

27 December 2010

Do you know the silence of suicide?

One faint step, and there you hang;

                In the balances of past and present,

                                Executed by your own demise.

 

And when the minute hand stopped,

                So did the lives of all those

                                Attached to your arms.

 

You said,

If you knew would you save me?

Now I say,

                  If you knew would you still have left?

 

We pay the toll of ultimate suffering,

                and the debt of your last lively action.

        And everyday since,

                we don’t die, even though you’ve killed us.

Jingle

 

Introverted Skin

25 December 2010

My soul is old and weathered;

Like the scars upon my shell.

I have no outward feeling;

When I hide inside my cell.

This cover seems so callus,

 But I always call it home.

Because no matter where I’m headed,

My shell will always go.

 

In my skeleton protection,

My introversion hides.

I retreat at every instant,

A coward lives inside.

My worlds will never understand;

My choices: Land and Sea.

And although they do coexist,

They never can agree.

 

 So I continue on my journey,

in search of clarity.

And no matter where I’m headed,

A turtle I will be.

Falling Forward

23 December 2010
 Falling
   forward,
      falling 
        forward
          falsely 
            feeling 
              free.
 
                 Fuddly 
                    fun 
                      forever;
                        this flowering
                          free-thinker 
                            is fated.
 
                                Forgetting 
                                   fears,
                                     forgetting 
                                       family; 
                                         feeding 
                                           forms 
                                             of friction.
 
                                                Fake
                                                   friends 
                                                     forsake
                                                       in futile 
                                                          faith.
 
                                                             Forbearing 
                                                               foreign 
                                                                  forces,
                                                                    forcing 
                                                                      false 
                                                                        formality.
 
                                                                           Fragile 
                                                                              female 
                                                                                freedom
                                                                                  forbidden;
                                                                                    forgiveness 
                                                                                      for fucking 
                                                                                        and foolish
                                                                                          fantasy.
 
                                                                                                           Falling forward:  free from all familiarity. 

Moving Forward

21 December 2010

I am really excited to start my blog post. I have many new changes coming my way. And I would like you all to be part of this next chapter. I believe 2011 is going to be my year!! I have spent the last year working on The Happiness Project; a book dedicated to perfecting joy within our own lives.

Simply, it is the art of mindfulness. Staying present, staying free and letting myself go from the past.

In losing Nick and Vera to suicide I have been forced to put the pieces of myself back together. My heart now is a broken green glass vase, rearranged and glued back together. It shows evidence of damage, yet still holds its shape and function. I am proud of what I have overcome, and I am eager to get to where I’m going. And I hope you will all come with me as this journey continues.