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Too little, too late

4 May 2011

I can’t believe you have been gone two years already. Only now do I feel the pain of losing you and all that was our family. I remember the sweet smell of your kitchen.  All 6 of us anxiously waiting around the table  for dinner to be served. September birthdays, Easter holidays and Brazilian feast always felt like home.

Looking back I wish I would have sat with you in the kitchen more often. I wish I would have hugged you more, and said I love you. Despite our language barriers it’s all you needed to hear me say.

I’m sorry for not trying harder. I should have seen you as you were sinking in your own skin. I should have known that just because you were Mom you couldn’t carry all of our worlds on your shoulder. You had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. I am sorry it has taken me two years to push away the anger and remember the part of you that was Love.

Everyday I see your little girl and I wonder how much of you she will hold on to. She’s so beautiful, and sweet, and kind, and yes, still stubborn. It breaks my heart to know my little sister is never going to know the greatness of her mother, and how much you loved her. I don’t know how to explain to her the reason why you’re not here anymore.  I already dread the day this truth becomes her reality.

I wonder if you look down on us and wish you never slipped that pink jump rope around your neck. Oh how I will never forget your pale hands and bluish tinted lips as the coroner took away your lifeless body. Oh how we broke into pieces. Pieces we didn’t even think could still break after Nick’s same deathly deed.

We are okay for now. The table is silent. It has never been the same since the day you left. Although we have grieved and moved forward the shadow of you remains.

I know you are standing in the arms of God now; and that gives me the kind of peace that passes all understanding.

Know that I am taking care of Dad and Gabi. Know that you are loved beyond all this hurt.  Forgive me for all that I should have done and didn’t. And forgive me as this love is too little and too late.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Dad permalink
    3 July 2011 6:32 pm

    Your sorrows are not just your sorrows, her departure created an emptyness more than words can tell. As you have said lately, let’s remember the “good” in the loss. She was the “Love of my LIfe” she brought joy to my eyes beyond any imagination. She was love in motion, loving her children and giving herself so others could have an easier life. As I remember her love, my empty heart longs for her. I know she is in the arms of God. If you are looking, my love, your little Gabi is not little anymore. She is growing fast. I hope you can see, that we are trying to do the best for her. Thank-you Lexy for the memories.

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