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Don’t Cry for Me Argentina

5 January 2011

 

It was a year ago today that I returned from my South America Walkabout. Tonight, as I reflect on the past year, I am reminded of a moment that has helped me put myself back together.

Somewhere between grief and acceptance I desperately needed to find Alexis. I knew the only way I  was going to find her was to escape the present circumstances of death. The suicide of my little brother Nick , and later, my step-mother Vera had left me completely shattered . But it was the fear of accepting that I had to go on without them which was really crowding me. I knew acceptance was the last stage of this process.  But the more I tried to get there, the farther away it got.

I just couldn’t believe this was my life now!

 For months, my heart urged me to sit quietly, and feel the pain.   I knew that healing required solitude. And I needed to allow my painful realities to surface with dignity; and give myself the space to let go. I needed to get out of here. I needed to feel alive.  Everything here was a memory of a life that was missing, and everyday a devastating loss. I was scared to feel the pain, but more afraid of the consequence of avoiding it.

So without question, I gathered my emotional baggage and set off to Brazil, Argentina, Costa Rica and Mexico.

One day I was aimlessly wandering the streets of Buenos Aires.

After many hours of going nowhere in particular I stumbled into a  park near Bella Artes Museum. This looked like a good place to let my mind run wild and indulge on the fresh strawberries and mini-champagnes I had just picked up.  The buzz began to hypnotize and consume the peaceful, fleeting moment, until I realized I wasn’t alone.

There standing thinly over me in metallic memoriam was Eva Peron, the iconic heroine of Argentina. I gazed upon the graceful bronze statue  as she spoke the words:

I know that, like every woman of the people, I have more strength than I appear to have.”

I reflected on this thought, as if it were my own. I was reminded of a peasant actress turned First Lady whom dedicated her life to social change.

Evita’s most notable accomplishment was ending women’s suffrage, allowing women the right to vote. She quickly became the symbol of endurance, as she continued to support the voices of the working class people. Eva had traveled to Spain, France, and North America to establish diplomatic relations for her country, and  was praised for her work in philanthropy up until her untimely death at age 33.

In her own words, she was:

PASSION, COURAGE, WORK, DIGNITY, SOLIDARITY

What fascinated me about Mrs. Eva Peron was not her strength and determination, but her accomplishments all by the ripe age of 28.

I too was 28, and I had yet to live with such fearlessness. I felt guilty I had wasted two years in sadness, when I could have been changing the world. I was defeated by the lack of progress I had made in comparison to Eva Peron, but in the midst of self-pity  I was awakened to my own possibilities.

A light of inspiration  surged through me. For a second, the future seemed tangible and hope flooded in, as if someone had turned my heart back on. I mediated on every word  deeply: PASSION, COURAGE, WORK, DIGNITY, SOLIDARITY.  And I was grateful to have found them through an empowering woman.  

I sat there with Eva for a while. Slipped back the rest of the champagne, and hummed softly…….

“Don’t cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don’t keep your distance”

Heavy tears leaked out my soul, and down my face. I was feeling the pain and I wasn’t afraid.

I repeated this classic verse over and over.  Each time the meaning changed. It was about Nick and Vera saying good-bye. It was about me letting go of them ,and accepting we were in different worlds now.  It was a reminder of hope, and believing the strength within me was never lost, and that somehow we would always be together. And it was then I realized, acceptance is a just a moment,  not a finish line.

Here I am at Recoleta Cementary, the final resting place of Eva Peron.

at recoleta cementary

  

I now understand that this path has always been set before me

PASSION, COURAGE, WORK, DIGNITY. STRENGTH, SOLIDARITY

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. 8 January 2011 4:09 pm

    Wonderful piece. Sorry for your loss. Here is to an awesome year 🙂
    L.

  2. Liz permalink
    5 February 2011 8:41 pm

    You have come so far Lexi! I am so proud of you :=) LOVE YA!

  3. mrs shoe permalink
    20 April 2011 7:37 am

    lex I can hardly see through my tears.. and hope that I can find some words to say how this has moved me.. you are a strong and amazing woman.. and your words have found a place in me that I had lost in myself.. thank you for being on that wonderful adventure to find those words to help you on your life journey but also you helped me.. thank you lexi… xoxo Dana

    • 21 April 2011 10:34 pm

      Thank you for reading. I am glad you enjoyed it. I hope my journey can give others strength. I have many great people who have gotten me through, although I will never be the same without them. I hope to inspire with my words. And love geting comments. It keeps me motivated. So thank you for posting. Big hugs for you and the fam.

      One Love,
      LEXY

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