Gratitude of infested hipster urbanites

It has been way too long since I have been here, and I forgot how much this place is home. Well to recap I lived in LA for two years, and loved it.  It was the perfect balance of adventure, urban hipsterdom, and home.  The things I love most about LA has to be all the great food and nostalgic classic rock venues.  I do wish I crossed more of both off my lists, but now that I know LA like an insider I know which neighborhood to venture forth in. The annoying part of LA has to be parking.  Traffic I can manage, but no parking and $15 valet tickets are just too much.  Part two is that rent is crazy  expensive unless you are living in Koreatown, and Lexy party of 1 was just too broke to have fun.

I will say LA will hold a special place in my heart for getting me back to the real me. I found God again, and a comfortable solitude in the city.  I made great connections and really spent time healing and growing, and most importantly moving on from the past. Something about taking the Red line and traveling amongst the vagrants gave me a renewed appreciation of what life is really about. My heart will always be part of the crazy hipster infested town.  I am thankful for the experience, but ready for change once again.

For the moment, that just means being home in the OC.  And although I plan for it to be a permanent plantation I can never quite anticipate the direction of the wind.

Too little, too late

I can’t believe you have been gone two years already. Only now do I feel the pain of losing you and all that was our family. I remember the sweet smell of your kitchen.  All 6 of us anxiously waiting around the table  for dinner to be served. September birthdays, Easter holidays and Brazilian feast always felt like home.

Looking back I wish I would have sat with you in the kitchen more often. I wish I would have hugged you more, and said I love you. Despite our language barriers it’s all you needed to hear me say.

I’m sorry for not trying harder. I should have seen you as you were sinking in your own skin. I should have known that just because you were Mom you couldn’t carry all of our worlds on your shoulder. You had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. I am sorry it has taken me two years to push away the anger and remember the part of you that was Love.

Everyday I see your little girl and I wonder how much of you she will hold on to. She’s so beautiful, and sweet, and kind, and yes, still stubborn. It breaks my heart to know my little sister is never going to know the greatness of her mother, and how much you loved her. I don’t know how to explain to her the reason why you’re not here anymore.  I already dread the day this truth becomes her reality.

I wonder if you look down on us and wish you never slipped that pink jump rope around your neck. Oh how I will never forget your pale hands and bluish tinted lips as the coroner took away your lifeless body. Oh how we broke into pieces. Pieces we didn’t even think could still break after Nick’s same deathly deed.

We are okay for now. The table is silent. It has never been the same since the day you left. Although we have grieved and moved forward the shadow of you remains.

I know you are standing in the arms of God now; and that gives me the kind of peace that passes all understanding.

Know that I am taking care of Dad and Gabi. Know that you are loved beyond all this hurt.  Forgive me for all that I should have done and didn’t. And forgive me as this love is too little and too late.

Lex in the City: Cheap Thrills on a Dime

I have accomplished quite a bit with $5 in my pocket. 

Thankfully, public tranpo only cost 35¢ to get around DTLA. This works for me because I refuse to pay $7 to park or use my $4.19/ gallon of gas to get around. 

Plus, riding the bus is like being a tourist again (and If I can take the bus around Argentina surely I will survive LA.)

Some of my cheap thrills so far have been:

• MOCA’s NPR Engagement Party wherein we browsed contemporary art listening to various radio frequencies.  One of which included twitter feeds transferred into music notes or xylophone tones.
• The Comedy Central Stage  with free comedy skits (which is an excellent price for a good laugh.)
• Olvera Street is always a good time with free music, $3 tacos and don’t forget the churros.  It’s a great little tourist spot only walking distance from my pad.
• Roving the eccentric collections of books at WACKO with its zany child-like gadgets is a creative way of passing the day, and I will definitely be heading back (thanks Erin for the great find!)
• RealityLA, a youthful and non-traditional church with a strong Christian doctrine, has contributed to my sense of renewed purpose.  I am happy to have a place to keep me grounded and continue to build on the foundation for my new life.
• I even scored Chelsea Lately tickets–Another free event to add to my calender.

Also in an attempt to use my penniless time wisely I have signed up with LA Works. Donating my time for a good cause is not only uplifting, but a great way to meet good quality people in the city.

Other than that, Darla (my canine housemate) and I have been taking strolls through Downtown just to admire and submerge into city life.

**Oh yeah, and I finally made it to Phillipe’s which means I can officially say I live in Downtown.

Next up on my cheap thrills adventure list is a walking tour of the 500 Days of Summer hotspots and the Downtown Artwalk with its array of food trucks and indie hipsters.

Hopefully, I can keep that $5 in my pocket for another week until my temp jobs pay out. And hopefully the sun will come out for good so I can work on my free tan around my not-so-free pool.

Moving On! Moving Out. Moving Up?

Moving on!

Finally those words are true.

It has been 35 months since the tailspin of my life began, and what a wild ride it has been.

On this rollercoaster I have grieved, moved home, left jobs, broken up, grieved some more, been in a fatal car accident, lost friends, gained new ones, wandered aimlessly with a backpack, raised a 5 year old, learned yoga, had braces and found God.

I have cried my life away sinking in depression, said goodbye, started a book club, lived the unemployed life of a housewife, packed up lives of those who no longer exist. I have fought fearlessly, and with faith, through anger, guilt, and resentment.

But most of all I have learned forgiveness and the importance of letting go.

The last 3 years has been to get over it you must go through it! And now that I have, I can finally close the chapter and move on.

It feels good to know I have processed my heartaches, compartmentalized, and safely packed it all away in a place called Acceptance.

Moving out.

The time has come again to pack up and go (thanks to a little encouragement from my fellow wandering bears).

We have decided, as unsettled youth, to hit the streets of LA and immerse ourselves in the urban chaos of Downtown. I am dually excited and nervous.

I am ready for a new start, and to stir up some trouble. I have been in suburbia too long!

It is going to be hard leaving my little Gabs behind. I know it is time for us to go our separate ways, so that we can finally become sisters.

Moving Up?

It’s time to manifest greatness.

I am getting back on the career train and hopefully my path will be unveiled soon. I’m confidant and faithful that I will find my way through these tough economic times into a place where I can serve with purpose.

Also, I have started my blog. This is huge for me as I attempt to establish my voice as a writer. Who knows the great American novel could be just around the corner.

And love? Well at least I am ready to give it a shot, but I’m not holding my breath.

Until then, the next chapter is yet to be written. So stay posted, and keep sending me your thoughts.

Editor’s Notes: Thank you again! You are all part of the reason I am still standing and I am extremely blessed to have you in my life.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

~Robert Frost

I find myself here today to remind myself that no path dictates perfection.

This is hard for me since I am a classic Virgo perfectionist. Always I try and hold out for something better, in the meantime making no decision at all. In the end, time marches onward as I sit on the rock of indecisiveness.

Alas, my continual downfall.

In situations like moving to June or falling in love, I have jumped in the wind without consequence or responsibility. These events have proven to be the golden moments of my journey, although only realized in retrospection.

Today whether I sit on the rock or fly in the wind no choice is perfect, or without consequence. And yet, why do I try so hard to fight it?

Even when I know that nothing gold can stay.

Change

Chances are

Here is not

At all

Near to where you’re

Going in the

End.

Revelations on my way toward Happiness (or conversations we’ve had along the way.)

Today’s blog is an ode to my Happiness Project and saying farewell to a rock solid friend. You have taught me that where I’ve been is not where I’m going. Happy trails and best of luck!

1. Life’s a rollercoaster. Hang on tight!

2. Happiness is a finish line that moves the closer I get to it.

3. Enjoy right now. It’s the only thing really happening, and all I really get anyway.

4. Believe in something bigger than myself.

5. FAITH-HOPE-LOVE is a good place to start.    

6. In regards to “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”

    Rip out the fence and then wander endlessly without regrets.

7. Packing away all my stuff then coming back to it a year later, really defines what’s important.

8. Exercise does make me feel better, so get up, get dressed and go!

9. Crying doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human.

    Feel it. Let it go. Move on.

10. Be selfish. It’s my life and only I know what makes me happy.

Picture Pastimes

 It wasn’t that long ago that you were here. Now you sit there awkwardly on the shelf starring right through me. A dusted photo of happier times to be forgotten. 

Two years now, and your face is just a dream. I can’t  feel you anymore. Just blankness, as my heart tries to remember what it felt like to love you. Every now and then, I wake up to find that it’s all true.  With the hands of time gripped firmly around my neck holding my last breath. And in one second the whole scene flashes right through me.

The phone call… Our parents… The sadness… Your friends… The letter…Your funeral…and all the unanswered questions–The lifeline ends again.

In a solemn sigh, I feel a surge of energy race through my core, the faint joy of loving you. It’s almost as if you are reaching out to touch me. I catch my breath only to realize I don’t want to go there anymore.

No more tears, no more defeat, no more brokeness do I care to fight off.  The tears wait in the corners of my eyes, while the rock is lodged in my throat; each waiting to see if the queue of hurt shall succeed. But I surrender! The battle of remembering you is too brutal to re-live. The past packed away so deep, that I dare not unlock the memories of us.

No more storyline are we. These pictures are not worth a thousand words, as you sit there in the past, on a dusty shelf, wanting to remembered.

Spring’s First Breath

Turning burdens

into seeds

Now burying them away

 

Pain burrows

in the Earth

to be forgotten

 

Let Nature take over

and have Her seasons

 

So, the flower blooms

after Winter storms

have passed

 

  Within Spring’s first breath

comes beauty, life and renewal

photo courtesy of Ellis Hollow

Don’t Cry for Me Argentina

 

It was a year ago today that I returned from my South America Walkabout. Tonight, as I reflect on the past year, I am reminded of a moment that has helped me put myself back together.

Somewhere between grief and acceptance I desperately needed to find Alexis. I knew the only way I  was going to find her was to escape the present circumstances of death. The suicide of my little brother Nick , and later, my step-mother Vera had left me completely shattered . But it was the fear of accepting that I had to go on without them which was really crowding me. I knew acceptance was the last stage of this process.  But the more I tried to get there, the farther away it got.

I just couldn’t believe this was my life now!

 For months, my heart urged me to sit quietly, and feel the pain.   I knew that healing required solitude. And I needed to allow my painful realities to surface with dignity; and give myself the space to let go. I needed to get out of here. I needed to feel alive.  Everything here was a memory of a life that was missing, and everyday a devastating loss. I was scared to feel the pain, but more afraid of the consequence of avoiding it.

So without question, I gathered my emotional baggage and set off to Brazil, Argentina, Costa Rica and Mexico.

One day I was aimlessly wandering the streets of Buenos Aires.

After many hours of going nowhere in particular I stumbled into a  park near Bella Artes Museum. This looked like a good place to let my mind run wild and indulge on the fresh strawberries and mini-champagnes I had just picked up.  The buzz began to hypnotize and consume the peaceful, fleeting moment, until I realized I wasn’t alone.

There standing thinly over me in metallic memoriam was Eva Peron, the iconic heroine of Argentina. I gazed upon the graceful bronze statue  as she spoke the words:

“I know that, like every woman of the people, I have more strength than I appear to have.”